Gloomy Night

A gloomy night that adds on the pain you are in can really pierce your heart

It has past midnight. Laying in bed with the laptop at the side, trying to tolerate with the agony I am in while waiting for his response. So I am doing my best to be optimistic, as you know that I am a boy under paranoia due to the past experiences I had with those stains (A term for my exes).

I did not realize my expectations were built up so high for this coming Friday Night that a slight chance of being toppled down might be the result at the end of the day. I could not describe how incisive the torment I am going through.

Doing my best by pushing in all the distinct effort to prove how much you mean to me but I just do not want to go overboard for I might lose you again. So wary that I do not want to plunge into the bad sequel. So defying as his schedule now is pretty tight as compared to back then. He is going back to Australia on the 6th of December to celebrate Christmas with his family.

He only has a few days left to be in Singapore yet not a single hour is available for us to meet. I do not even know what to do now but just wait for his return once he is done with his time for his beloved family. But even when he returns, there will be a small amount of time for us to spend.

There is no other way but I have to get used to this. I know I eventually will. I just do not know why he means so much to me. " Love has so much to offer yet it may afflict you along the way ". I really have that fear, of losing you, once again. I am hoping that it will not transpire, that is all. Please, Zairul, do not fail this time round.

Edge

As the oppressing days have past, my own two feet have bring me closer to the edge, too much torment being conveyed, yet my mind is ruminating deeply, while those beautiful souls whom I have always been very fond deeply, emerged as well as the high dreams I have been wanting to endeavor

Let me not place myself in a lament position as well as the rest who have been showering my fragile heart with their pure affection. But things have been going out of hand lately. Especially last two nights which somehow too many thoughts come gushing in my mind. I felt the throbbing pain, it was like a trenchant blade had slowly pierced my mind deeply. It was unbearable. How distinctly afflicting it was. To add on the agony, my granny had to spill such atrocious words on me.

Tears rising, yet the blood is boiling. All the intense emotions stirred up to one. Maximize the volume of my earphones to chill the raging fire. My mind was all on my brother for he was the only angel who could soothe my heavy emotions. I have been missing him so much & I hope he knows that. I am just hoping he is going through the days smoothly without any rocky path along the way.

Visited my beloved Papa yesterday afternoon, along with my sister & her two mischievous kids. I could tell from his eyes, how perturb he was, the way I am going through my intricate life. However, I disguised all the aching sooth with a simple smile. I do not want to induce more negative emotions in him any further. I was holding too much of these tears. All I want now is to be with him for he is the only human being, moreover he is my dad who truly understands me. 

But due to some things, we are forbidden to stay together till he is free, like a canary so blue trap in a small cage of steel.

" Be strong, be patient, & pray to Him that I will be out quickly. ", He said. I have been holding on to my strength for too long, Papa. I have the fear that I might lose it if I were to continue this heavy course any longer. I will not try, but I will do my best, as always. I know you have been holding onto your tears. You can hide your emotions like there is nothing going on in your mind but your eyes will never fail to speak the verity based on your hidden emotions your heart is carrying.

I understand that you, as a father, who is responsible for the family, are not suppose to show the weaker side of you. Frankly speaking, that will not caused me any unnecessary botheration. You do not have to follow the " rules " of being a strong father. Sometimes, you deserve to give yourself a break by letting your emotions go, rather than caging them in your heart which brings more pain for you.

I have so many things to share with you, really I do. But the question still lingers around my mind, " Why must the misery be conveyed upon my life ever since I was a small little child? " Placed the unnecessary aside, focus on the main points first. Maybe it is not the time for me to be settled. Maybe God wants me to go through such obstacles to let me learn deeper based on what is happening around in this cruel world.

Just as long as it does not implicate my relationship with my brother to break apart, I am willing to go all the way till the very last drop of misery. At least I can have constant meet-ups with someone I fond deeply. Well, not exactly often as compared to back then, since my brother is undergoing National Service. Sigh.

Dejection

So arousing yet the sequel will turned up as a dejection, but he can never refrain himself from the seductive offer, which in the end lingers him in deep agony

Here is a story someone [ will be in bold on the scene he will be in with the same gender ] had gone through & he had shared his story with me. My permission on sharing his story to my blog was approved by him but I will not mention anyone's name as I do not want anyone who knows them to judge them in such a manner, I respect them. So read, learn & understand cause it might stumble upon your life as well.


A frigid night it was, stroke past midnight. There he was, laying in bed with his laptop on his lap, surfing through some of his social networks, Facebook, Tagged, et cetera. Out of the blue, a nudge was given from one of his social networks. Checked it out & it revealed to be the man he used to coupled with back in the days where he got wild. One word emerged from his mind as soon as he responded to the man's greeting, which was, lechery.

He knew his cunning moves & predicted the source of that man wanting to start a conversation with him. Apparently, he was right. The conversation got mischievous. In the end, he invited him to come over his house. He took his time to ruminate regarding his invitation. Slowly the lust for him returned & he could not elude but instead accepted his invitation, then took a cab there.

Reached to his destination, he called that man. The man came down, & paid the cab fare for him. Guided him to that man's house. They had a few decent conversations regarding things that have been occurring through their lives. The man now is staying with his partner & they bought the house, together living with them are 5 adorable cats owned by his partner. It felt like home as the place was so cozy.

Such sweetness their love story can be. But then, that man wanted to seek someone who is passive. His partner approved of him in doing so, & is helping him by searching one for him as well. They somehow wanted a third party, a tri-relationship. It was rather complex on the way he elaborate how he wanted the relationship to turn out. From his perspective, it is just a rebound for the third party as it is all about the satisfaction in bed with both lovers. He looked lugubrious a few minutes later. " You okay? ", That man asked. He nodded with a smirk afterwards, trying to make things less awkward.

Eventually, the man leaded him to the room where the pleasure would take place. The man laid in bed while he sat down at the side of the bed, not facing towards him. They had a few decent talks, then slowly the man began to wrap his hands over his waist, pulling him closer. 

He turned to him, slowly looked into the man's eyes which lust for his body. Their lips touched & slowly it got roughed as they continued kissing. He pulled his delicate hair, for it was the sign of loving how things were going on between them. The man moaned & the scene got more aggressive. He let his tongue linger around his nip, hence the man showed the pleasurable expression. Slowly he was going towards his neck, wanting to nibble but the man eschewed from getting marks. Different positions they did. Soon he wanted to release that man's satisfaction which the man let him so. After it transpired, the man slowly tried to catch up on his breath, closed his eyes while he kissed him on his forehead, then insisted him to continue satisfy himself by continuing the scene though he no more felt the need for pleasure. He then got on top of him & used him so truculently that it made him moaned so bad, which he loved the heavy pain he was going through.

After the rough coitus he had with him in bed, as soon as the last drop of satisfaction had shed from his body, the heart of chains turned rusty, eventually it faded away & the scars began to unfold slightly. Washed themselves in separate washrooms. They sat & talk till it stroke 6 in the morning. He wanted to make his move. The man guided him to the door, he wore his flip flops, waved him goodbye & walked towards the lift.

The moment he got out of sight, the scars unfurled a little more. That very first step he took once he got out from the lift, the scars got wide open thoroughly. Heart so vulnerable, with the emotions so blue being drained inside. The atmosphere turned gloomy, & soon, his mind began to fill up with memories so blue while the conversation he had with that man came playing as the background. He wanted to shed a teardrop or two but none rises from his very eyes right at the beginning, as they can no longer cry anymore. But the heart continued weeping for the afflicting course he was going through was unbearable.

A deep breath taken, as the scene continued. So tired to regain strength, yet not a single teardrop was flowing down his chin to satisfy his fragile heart. Plugged in his earpieces, & played a song that will let the doleful emotions run deep till his heart bleed profusely for that was his solution to be at ease. Though it would take him a certain period of time, that was the only way.

To be in pain will always be the key to release all those negative emotions that were caged in his heart other than tearing till the very last drop. Meanwhile, he closed his eyes & let the heavy process continued running. Oh that awful lamentation, so explicit.

He kept reminding himself to never do this empty satisfaction again with anybody, unless the satisfaction transpired with sparks of love guiding its way as well. However he failed to keep his words. A disgrace to himself, a disappointment he made to his body, especially to his heart oh so weak. He took the risk & he received the consequences so badly.

Too realistic words can be. They can cut through your skin so deep that you can just drop down on your knees for a split second. All those strength turned to weakness. All he ever received from him was an excellent compliment, yet it was an insult for him as he felt the rebound. And for that he placed the hatred to the sex symbol that is tattooed in him.

" Henceforth, I will stop killing myself with all this plain physical contact with anyone in bed. I have to or it will drive me through this torment again & again. It is so hard for me to tolerate this any longer. I have to make that very effort to shun this aside though the temptation can be so seductive, likewise how alluring devils can be. ", He said to himself.

The heartbreaking story ended there. And it was left as a deep scar which he will never ever neglect.


Be wary of others when they offered you something so lustful for it might bring you such grieve at the end of the day. Hope you find the story interesting though it is long & quite intricate.

Cold

This heart of mine can no longer feel, no longer felt, so cold made of ice, hard as stone, born to be strong, but tears still roll down my chin

It has been a wet monsoon for this cold month. The chills I have been getting on my spine whenever I am working even when I am in a sheltered place, the coolness outside seemed to take effect on my workplace as well. Usually the temperature of my workplace will not be this frigid. Not many customers came down to have a drink or two, you could know without even thinking how many customers were there with just a snap. I spent most of my time walking to & fro from the bar to the floors without any drinks or appetizers on either one of my hands.

Took my time musing. It was so intricate for me to explain nevertheless, all I can say was that there were too many things in mind, multiple questions emerged. You can tell that my life is full of tangled strings, likewise for my blog as well. Somehow, I can manage with this, one step at a time. Eventually, it was time for my break, took a glass of ice water, with a packet of cigarette & my lighter along. Sat right outside my workplace, took out a stick of cigarette & light it up. As I smoke, out of the blue, a question so lonely yet wintry which my brother had asked me the other day showed up in my mind. " How can you be single for 4 years when I am struggling to walk life alone for half a year now? ". I smirked, but my heart turned cold a few moments later.

Come to a realization, how can I manage to be single for this long? I supposed my dear brother has been the one who has replaced all the sadness with smiles, all the pain with love, & the loneliness with some company. He is in my life now, so nothing matters as he is on top of my world. At times, with both hands clasped tight, while looking up where diamonds shine bright in the sky, I wish, I pray, I hope, with all my heart & soul, doing my best to let God know, how much I love him, pleading him on my knees, to look out for him cause losing him will manufacture my world to end tragically.

Words can never describe how fond am I towards him. His flaws matter most. Without them, I can never laughed on how silly he could be, how he cried for my name, pleading me not to leave, ever. I am just waiting for the time to come, for the man he desires to shower him with pure affection. Hence, I will step back slowly. For now, I will never want to leave him all alone, realizing no one is there for him. Not till someone can replace me, loving him much more in a special way

Cross my heart, never will I leave you in pain, all alone. Not anymore.

P.S.: Hope you have a good time while you are undergoing National Service. Stay strong.

Body Language

Your words can never keep me convinced, when your body shows a different expression. Only the body language tells what your heart truly feels deep down inside

A bad night to end with. Do not ask me why cause I can not be bothered to share the whole story. The only words I can mention which relate to what had happened are, " assumed ", " misinterpretation ", & " immature ". The drama happened through the social network due to one ridiculous game. Anyway, that is besides the point.

This coming Wednesday is the day where I have to say, " Farewell " to my dear brother as he is going to serve the nation as a soldier. And again, do not ask me why cause it is compulsory for all boys who are 18 & above to get into National Service, unless you have some health problems going on, other than that, it is a must for you to take part or you will ended up behind bars. And mine will begin next month on the 11th of December, in police.

I am rather nervous though, yet I am quite excited to be in it. One of the reasons, is because I want to gain weight. All I can see on the reflection of the mirror are skin & bones. Just want to gain a few extra pounds & be like those lean kind of boys. I wonder if I could catch up on my blog once I got in cause this is the only solution for me to rant out what has been caged in my heart. This is rather silly as what I am talking about is not relevant to the title of the post, well here it goes.

I have been observing how others respond to my question based on how they are feeling. It is always the usual, " I'm fine. ", or " I'm okay. ". Yes, you can see them, smiling. And that has convinced you enough. But, have you ever leave them alone for a few good minutes, & look out for them within a distance, observing their body slowly expresses on how their hearts truly feel? It made me realized how words can never lead to the truth if your body does not show what you have mentioned.

But at times, letting them be is the only solution to let them build up their strength again. You would not want to bug them to spill the problem, would you? It is either you asked them once, or twice & if they still do not want to share, then let them be for at times, they might approach you instead.

But what excites me most on the language of the body is when you are alone, with your partner, in a room, on top of your bed or his/hers, looking at each other's eyes, waiting for someone to make the first move while both of you are doing your best to hold the temptation down. Then once someone made their move, the clawing of the bed sheets, moaning for more pleasure will begin. Eyes shut tight, lower lip being bitten, while you slowly pull your partner's hair as he slowly nibbles on your neck. All the heat & the perspire coming out from both of you two's bodies as the love in bed transpire. How arouse can you be when your skin has been touched by someone else's.

I apologize for the explicit content. I forgot to mention that I will at times post things that are for 18 & above only. So excuse me for being so open. Shame is not in my dictionary when it comes to being sexual. But of course this will usually happened once I have someone whom I truly love. It has been months since I last content myself in bed with someone.

So whenever someone has been laying their eyes on you for a few good minutes, it shows that they are having that sexual desire on you in their dirty little mind. How amazing can this be other than the need of using your mouth to spill out what you desire, you can even show with the language of your body. I find it much more arousing though as no sound will be heard & it will only be based on the gestures of your body. The only way is for you to understand what is the body trying to reveal. And once the truth has been uncovered, let the love begin.

Naughty dreams, my dear readers.

Power Of Three

In this time & in this hour, We call upon the ancient power. Bring forth we brothers three, & set our miseries free

For months of not blogging, here I am, with a new blog. So good riddance to my old blog, Karma Is My Game. There has been a major change through my dramatic life. Too many things happened that I do not even know where to begin with, but they say never look back even for a second, & continue to take a step forward to what the future holds. I am glad to say that I have changed, for the better. Many friends of mine who have walked with me through thick & thin, left me. One left due to the small issue we had that has gone ridiculously huge for some reason. The other one stabbed me from the back verbally, trying her very best to tear my image down after 8 years of what I called a true friendship from myself. Truly love her much more than my own flesh & blood. No dirty talk intended behind her back, nothing. But I did not expect the truth to be in so much pain. Only God knows what I did. It is just a disappointment that you were trying to let me go through my life with misery. But all is said & done, finally the only remedy I know is I got to lead my life without you.

Enough about her, the rest left me for our bonding has gone weak, so it died eventually. With all these, the result, at the end of the day, will not be made with any regrets from me due to what I called, these friends as, shadows who have faded away from my life. I know that at the end of the day, I will have to face my own obstacles alone, therefore it is quite rare to see me depend on whoever most of the time. What for should I live in this independent Island when I am always depending on the rest rather than myself? See where I am coming? It is best to go through things yourself though it does not hurt to receive advises from others who you are comfortable with.

At the end of the day, if things were to go wrong, the burden will only be on you. Get the picture? Speaking of picture, see the one above? Those are the ones that I much love most. As you can see, the one on the left is my brother, Dudy. And the middle one, he is new to my life. His name is, Syuk. Quite a catch to look at, isn't he? Love him very much as well but we are now kind of in a hanging situation due to some small matters. Still trying to figure out a way to make it up to him.

So I guess that is all for today, for my very first post. Not much for now. I hope there will be someone out there who will constantly be checking on my blog to see if there are going to be any updates from myself. Even if there will not be anyone to read my blog, I will still do my best to update my blog regarding the things that is circulating my life & not leaving it at the side, till it is all old & dusty.

P.S.: Credits to my brother, for the URL blog he has done & the wonderful description he has made for me as well.