Almost Is Never Enough

I wanted to give my all, for I thought you are the one for me. I was so close to being in love, I almost knew what love was, but I had to take it all back as my fears were rising & it made me felt like it was not right at all

The beautiful humming flowing gently in this empty room. Such gloomy ambiance which caused the lower lip to shiver & the eyes to cry. Not in the right place to be, when so many problems are jumbling up. I feel like I need this, the path where it leads me to love for you have captured my attention when I first lay my eyes on you from afar. Something in you which ignites this heart to skip a beat. Your eyes, like the ocean, so blue. Your smile, a perfection to my eyes. Your laughter, music to my ears & your attention is something I always desire.

You are like the man in the book I fancy reading. So peculiar than the rest of those commoners. It felt so good as I foresee it. But something is holding me back, as my conscience were guiding me. Tapping his foot whilst giving such a distinct scowl with both arms crossed. Shook his head & flashbacks of heartbreaking moments came playing through my mind. It took me a step back to not open my heart thoroughly. My insecurity began escalating. Hidden questions became conspicuous.

We have yet to set a rendezvous, just you & I with our questions that we have been wanting to set free. However, I feel like this is not right from where I am heading to. I do not know whether I am good enough to begin with. It is such a challenge for me when it feels like we are two worlds apart. I do not know how you are like, I have not yet seen your true colors, regardless dull or vivid. My inquisitive mind is eager to fill up those blanks with the answers you have to give once the questions have been spilled.

Yes, I have triggered your comfort zone which led you to do, wear or be whatever you want to be. I really like that a lot. It gave me a serene mind & heart to receive that from you.

But right now, I am not in the right state of mind, moreover not in the right state of being myself. I have yet to adjust myself in order to be in this exquisite place. I know I needed this, but I can not have this till I am fully prepared to be out from this vulnerable shell. Everything is in my hands on the wrong timing. At times, I feel like you are giving that cold shoulder which I am trying so terribly hard to put in the right mind that you are hectic. This would transpire so effortlessly if it was not for the insecurities that have been clinging onto me.

I do not know where this is going but my very least anticipation would be something so lovely as I do not want to go through that same nightmare again. How I wish I could change this overnight, so that things will go on smoothly for you & I. For now, all I am placing you is in that zone where I have been placing the rest of those ordinary ones. No more someone special till you have made your first move, which I will then make mine just to keep my heart away from those acute thorns.

But if a wave of goodbye would eventuate this friendship to cease, then I have no will to stop you. It never surprises me to see the ones I fancy, walk away leaving footprints in my dull life. I do not hope for such things like this to occur, & all I am struggling is to be out from this negative feeling. And I know that I have to do this alone which will take such a long time for me to be done dwelling in my own pity state.

Nevertheless, giving up is the last thing I would want to do. I need this chance I deserve, & never will I want to slip this opportunity off my hands. I will take my leave, I hope things will go well on your side as I have been praying that you would never fail to bring up that charming smile on your face. Till we meet again, B.M. Or should I say, " Christian Grey ". Would I even have the chance to meet you to begin with? Oh, insecurity.. why will you not disappear.

Melancholic Spirits

With an air of melancholy & the sorrow in the grass, those lost spirits roam around, holding to that unforgettable woe till time has its last tick

As I type, a song so slow, yet so blue which sets these vulnerable tears streaming down my chin, is playing through my earplugs. The train of thoughts went rushing through a part of my hollow mind. I fathom that those souls who have died from suicidal, they really did not die from that. They ceased their life from such great sadness they have been caging.

Paid my condolence to their grieving loved ones, taking each step to accept what they have loss. Often those died from mutual problems, were the ones who hold to such a heavy dejection. Controlling your own sentiments can be so difficult. I have gone through that countless of times. At times, I did manage. But at times, I will lose my balance & I will fall so terribly, which gave me such an impact to break down to tears. Like a lost child, did not know who to approach, seeing that the whole world is vehemently against me for being who I am.

Other cases, like having too many obstacles at one go - You have loss the one so precious to you, at the same time, you are doing your very best to find what you have loss in yourself & wanting to gradually let that dreadful past go. But with one problem newly born, you did not get hold of everything & instead, you let it all drop down on you which gave an unbearable agony. How can you have so much strength just to get through it all? The ones who never fail to be there for you can never utterly understand the state you are in, & they can never replace you just to kill the remaining you can hardly handle. You are all on your own with such strong emotional support given by your exquisite angels, you still feel like it is never enough till this battle is officially done.

It is all about you, never them. If you could ace it through, the sound of birds chirping coming from nowhere will begin, & that will be a reassurance of a winning battle, which is now over.

Oh, I feel so helpless, to watch my beloved brother to be in so much pain. The very least I could do is to be there for him, emotionally & physically which will never be enough. I am willing to pay millions just to see you smile, but even millions will never be enough to see just a slight smile coming from that sweet face of yours.

Nevertheless, I am & will always be here for you. I will be on that front seat just to accompany your sorrow, & watch you let those dying tears go. You have your lover to love & to receive love from him. He is on top of your universe. You have slowly change, never stop even when new problems are starting to develop, it is a part & parcel of life. God will never give you things you can never handle, unless you are the one who let yourself down by merely following your foolish heart.

I strongly believe that a part of you can convey each & every of those pile & throw them away, one by one. Do not mutilate yourself, do not let me down. I can not afford to lose you & remind yourselves not to let your loved ones down, especially me, if you were to end your life without even giving any second thought. You are the only one that teaches my weak heart how to beat. Losing you will cease this heartbeat. I have seen your deepest flaws, I have seen every part of your physique, your distinct cuts before it was left as scars now. You are still the man I know & love whom I defined as, beautiful.

Just remember that God needs him, hence he has to go any sooner or later. He will need us too someday, however that time will come when it is due. I love you so much, & I can never depict this with words for my love I hold so tenderly just for you & only you. I am clasping both of my hands tightly, hoping that He will give you a shed of light to your journey. I am just so afraid.

Hoping that the ones who have lost someone so precious to them, will get back on their feet & move along.