Almost Is Never Enough

I wanted to give my all, for I thought you are the one for me. I was so close to being in love, I almost knew what love was, but I had to take it all back as my fears were rising & it made me felt like it was not right at all

The beautiful humming flowing gently in this empty room. Such gloomy ambiance which caused the lower lip to shiver & the eyes to cry. Not in the right place to be, when so many problems are jumbling up. I feel like I need this, the path where it leads me to love for you have captured my attention when I first lay my eyes on you from afar. Something in you which ignites this heart to skip a beat. Your eyes, like the ocean, so blue. Your smile, a perfection to my eyes. Your laughter, music to my ears & your attention is something I always desire.

You are like the man in the book I fancy reading. So peculiar than the rest of those commoners. It felt so good as I foresee it. But something is holding me back, as my conscience were guiding me. Tapping his foot whilst giving such a distinct scowl with both arms crossed. Shook his head & flashbacks of heartbreaking moments came playing through my mind. It took me a step back to not open my heart thoroughly. My insecurity began escalating. Hidden questions became conspicuous.

We have yet to set a rendezvous, just you & I with our questions that we have been wanting to set free. However, I feel like this is not right from where I am heading to. I do not know whether I am good enough to begin with. It is such a challenge for me when it feels like we are two worlds apart. I do not know how you are like, I have not yet seen your true colors, regardless dull or vivid. My inquisitive mind is eager to fill up those blanks with the answers you have to give once the questions have been spilled.

Yes, I have triggered your comfort zone which led you to do, wear or be whatever you want to be. I really like that a lot. It gave me a serene mind & heart to receive that from you.

But right now, I am not in the right state of mind, moreover not in the right state of being myself. I have yet to adjust myself in order to be in this exquisite place. I know I needed this, but I can not have this till I am fully prepared to be out from this vulnerable shell. Everything is in my hands on the wrong timing. At times, I feel like you are giving that cold shoulder which I am trying so terribly hard to put in the right mind that you are hectic. This would transpire so effortlessly if it was not for the insecurities that have been clinging onto me.

I do not know where this is going but my very least anticipation would be something so lovely as I do not want to go through that same nightmare again. How I wish I could change this overnight, so that things will go on smoothly for you & I. For now, all I am placing you is in that zone where I have been placing the rest of those ordinary ones. No more someone special till you have made your first move, which I will then make mine just to keep my heart away from those acute thorns.

But if a wave of goodbye would eventuate this friendship to cease, then I have no will to stop you. It never surprises me to see the ones I fancy, walk away leaving footprints in my dull life. I do not hope for such things like this to occur, & all I am struggling is to be out from this negative feeling. And I know that I have to do this alone which will take such a long time for me to be done dwelling in my own pity state.

Nevertheless, giving up is the last thing I would want to do. I need this chance I deserve, & never will I want to slip this opportunity off my hands. I will take my leave, I hope things will go well on your side as I have been praying that you would never fail to bring up that charming smile on your face. Till we meet again, B.M. Or should I say, " Christian Grey ". Would I even have the chance to meet you to begin with? Oh, insecurity.. why will you not disappear.