Edge

As the oppressing days have past, my own two feet have bring me closer to the edge, too much torment being conveyed, yet my mind is ruminating deeply, while those beautiful souls whom I have always been very fond deeply, emerged as well as the high dreams I have been wanting to endeavor

Let me not place myself in a lament position as well as the rest who have been showering my fragile heart with their pure affection. But things have been going out of hand lately. Especially last two nights which somehow too many thoughts come gushing in my mind. I felt the throbbing pain, it was like a trenchant blade had slowly pierced my mind deeply. It was unbearable. How distinctly afflicting it was. To add on the agony, my granny had to spill such atrocious words on me.

Tears rising, yet the blood is boiling. All the intense emotions stirred up to one. Maximize the volume of my earphones to chill the raging fire. My mind was all on my brother for he was the only angel who could soothe my heavy emotions. I have been missing him so much & I hope he knows that. I am just hoping he is going through the days smoothly without any rocky path along the way.

Visited my beloved Papa yesterday afternoon, along with my sister & her two mischievous kids. I could tell from his eyes, how perturb he was, the way I am going through my intricate life. However, I disguised all the aching sooth with a simple smile. I do not want to induce more negative emotions in him any further. I was holding too much of these tears. All I want now is to be with him for he is the only human being, moreover he is my dad who truly understands me. 

But due to some things, we are forbidden to stay together till he is free, like a canary so blue trap in a small cage of steel.

" Be strong, be patient, & pray to Him that I will be out quickly. ", He said. I have been holding on to my strength for too long, Papa. I have the fear that I might lose it if I were to continue this heavy course any longer. I will not try, but I will do my best, as always. I know you have been holding onto your tears. You can hide your emotions like there is nothing going on in your mind but your eyes will never fail to speak the verity based on your hidden emotions your heart is carrying.

I understand that you, as a father, who is responsible for the family, are not suppose to show the weaker side of you. Frankly speaking, that will not caused me any unnecessary botheration. You do not have to follow the " rules " of being a strong father. Sometimes, you deserve to give yourself a break by letting your emotions go, rather than caging them in your heart which brings more pain for you.

I have so many things to share with you, really I do. But the question still lingers around my mind, " Why must the misery be conveyed upon my life ever since I was a small little child? " Placed the unnecessary aside, focus on the main points first. Maybe it is not the time for me to be settled. Maybe God wants me to go through such obstacles to let me learn deeper based on what is happening around in this cruel world.

Just as long as it does not implicate my relationship with my brother to break apart, I am willing to go all the way till the very last drop of misery. At least I can have constant meet-ups with someone I fond deeply. Well, not exactly often as compared to back then, since my brother is undergoing National Service. Sigh.