Cold

This heart of mine can no longer feel, no longer felt, so cold made of ice, hard as stone, born to be strong, but tears still roll down my chin

It has been a wet monsoon for this cold month. The chills I have been getting on my spine whenever I am working even when I am in a sheltered place, the coolness outside seemed to take effect on my workplace as well. Usually the temperature of my workplace will not be this frigid. Not many customers came down to have a drink or two, you could know without even thinking how many customers were there with just a snap. I spent most of my time walking to & fro from the bar to the floors without any drinks or appetizers on either one of my hands.

Took my time musing. It was so intricate for me to explain nevertheless, all I can say was that there were too many things in mind, multiple questions emerged. You can tell that my life is full of tangled strings, likewise for my blog as well. Somehow, I can manage with this, one step at a time. Eventually, it was time for my break, took a glass of ice water, with a packet of cigarette & my lighter along. Sat right outside my workplace, took out a stick of cigarette & light it up. As I smoke, out of the blue, a question so lonely yet wintry which my brother had asked me the other day showed up in my mind. " How can you be single for 4 years when I am struggling to walk life alone for half a year now? ". I smirked, but my heart turned cold a few moments later.

Come to a realization, how can I manage to be single for this long? I supposed my dear brother has been the one who has replaced all the sadness with smiles, all the pain with love, & the loneliness with some company. He is in my life now, so nothing matters as he is on top of my world. At times, with both hands clasped tight, while looking up where diamonds shine bright in the sky, I wish, I pray, I hope, with all my heart & soul, doing my best to let God know, how much I love him, pleading him on my knees, to look out for him cause losing him will manufacture my world to end tragically.

Words can never describe how fond am I towards him. His flaws matter most. Without them, I can never laughed on how silly he could be, how he cried for my name, pleading me not to leave, ever. I am just waiting for the time to come, for the man he desires to shower him with pure affection. Hence, I will step back slowly. For now, I will never want to leave him all alone, realizing no one is there for him. Not till someone can replace me, loving him much more in a special way

Cross my heart, never will I leave you in pain, all alone. Not anymore.

P.S.: Hope you have a good time while you are undergoing National Service. Stay strong.