When...

- Save me.

- From what?

- Myself.

I feel pain when they compare my physique to an object/person.
I feel pain when I'm being neglected.
I feel pain when I fail.
I feel pain when twilight commences.
I feel pain when the train of thoughts start to commence.
I feel pain when a glimpse of my scarred past lingers in my mind.
I feel pain when voices come striking in my head.
I feel pain when they misunderstood me with sympathy; all I wanted was a bag of respect.
I feel pain when I look into your eyes & all I could see is nothing but pain - you chose to bury it with a smile.
I feel pain when I couldn't do anything to assist someone who is in need.
I feel pain when nobody listens & hears.
I feel pain when I have nothing to look forward to.
I feel pain when I realized I have nothing.
I feel pain when I am not allowed to speak up for myself.
I feel pain when I cared too much for someone; but, nothing was given back.
I feel pain when I was given a bag of empty promises.
I feel pain when I have to blend in with the society.
I feel pain when I am compelled to tolerate their offensive jests.
I feel pain when a loving couple came walking by. 
I feel pain when they implied to me that I am not good enough.
I feel pain when I was told that I was over reacting/over thinking.

I feel pain every sleepless night.

My anxiety attack starts crawling when I see a group of passerby goes about laughing out loud.
My anxiety attack starts crawling when I am in a midst of a crowd.
My anxiety attack starts crawling when I realized all eyes on me.
My anxiety attack starts crawling when I feel the pressure piling up on me.
My anxiety attack starts crawling when the mixed sentiments come playing.
My anxiety attack starts crawling when I'm looking out the window from a high building.

Through the years of misery, all my life I have been tolerating... I feel so weak. Every minute, it felt like my energy is being drained by a presence behind me. I have shunned myself from the society for I am afraid. I can hardly remember what it's like to smile genuinely for all I can see are just visible darkness. The prescriptions helped me to alleviate the torment that have been holding onto me but, only for a period of time. Most of my passing days, sleep is the only one that pulls me away from pain. Sometimes, I hear death calling for me. Other times, I hear words of criticism. Even in an empty room, it's filled with unbearable noises. I can hardly hear the sound of pins dropping on the concrete floor. Music is the only diversion that distracts me from the noises I hear. Gradually, the ones I doted dearly are walking away from me. I never blame them for the illness that have been growing inside me ever since I was just an innocent child who knows nothing of what the world will have to offer, but then to realize that it was only pure affliction.

My heart cries; but, my body draws out a subtle smile. It felt like I am trapped inside, calling for help. I can see myself on my knees, looking down with tears slowly dripping down my chin. All I can ever do now is pretend that everything is going to be okay. I only have myself to remind.

I came across this statement, " Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. "

It gives me a small hope that there are people who utterly fathom what beings like me go through.

" You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could. "

I am still at the edge; a small part of me wants to stay. My life is like a book, all written in blood, not knowing how many more empty pages I have left to write... but if you swiped on the top right side of the page, it's like the pages are thin, like it's running out - going closer to the end of the book.


Till we meet again...

One Last Time

One last time, I promise that after tonight, I will let you go

Every angle that I see is perfect in every way. You made me realized how beautiful you are. For that entire night, I do not give a single drop of fuck who you are with because I wanted to remind myself that just that night, you are mine & that I will wake up in your very arms the very next day. I wish I am not in this dejecting state I am in. I wish I could drown in my own tears & be gone. Your stubble when it touched my skin, it made my muscles sing. My inner God was begging for more yet, I despised that I know what I was doing was downright wrong.

As I caressed your lips with my thumb, it made me be at ease. You made me curled my toes & clawed the sheets. Who cares that you got him in your heart when all I wanted was to be with you for the very last time. I initially thought that the other night we had was going to be the first & the last one, but hell I got it all wrong.

I am not afflicted by what has transpired; but, I am just ashamed of myself for being so selfish. I wish I would not even have known you - Someone so exquisite yet can never be in my arms forever. Perhaps, everything happens for a reason that reasons can never fathom.

Now, I just can barely wait to be away from everything. Even if it takes years down the road, I will make sure that what I plan for will be the result at the end of it.

When you wrapped me up in your arms, you perished all the sorrows I had in me & for that, I thank you. I have not been cuddled, kissed, touched so passionately till this transpired. I hope that things will go well with that man of yours. I had my lucky night; but, he has his lucky man - you.

Almost Is Never Enough

I wanted to give my all, for I thought you are the one for me. I was so close to being in love, I almost knew what love was, but I had to take it all back as my fears were rising & it made me felt like it was not right at all

The beautiful humming flowing gently in this empty room. Such gloomy ambiance which caused the lower lip to shiver & the eyes to cry. Not in the right place to be, when so many problems are jumbling up. I feel like I need this, the path where it leads me to love for you have captured my attention when I first lay my eyes on you from afar. Something in you which ignites this heart to skip a beat. Your eyes, like the ocean, so blue. Your smile, a perfection to my eyes. Your laughter, music to my ears & your attention is something I always desire.

You are like the man in the book I fancy reading. So peculiar than the rest of those commoners. It felt so good as I foresee it. But something is holding me back, as my conscience were guiding me. Tapping his foot whilst giving such a distinct scowl with both arms crossed. Shook his head & flashbacks of heartbreaking moments came playing through my mind. It took me a step back to not open my heart thoroughly. My insecurity began escalating. Hidden questions became conspicuous.

We have yet to set a rendezvous, just you & I with our questions that we have been wanting to set free. However, I feel like this is not right from where I am heading to. I do not know whether I am good enough to begin with. It is such a challenge for me when it feels like we are two worlds apart. I do not know how you are like, I have not yet seen your true colors, regardless dull or vivid. My inquisitive mind is eager to fill up those blanks with the answers you have to give once the questions have been spilled.

Yes, I have triggered your comfort zone which led you to do, wear or be whatever you want to be. I really like that a lot. It gave me a serene mind & heart to receive that from you.

But right now, I am not in the right state of mind, moreover not in the right state of being myself. I have yet to adjust myself in order to be in this exquisite place. I know I needed this, but I can not have this till I am fully prepared to be out from this vulnerable shell. Everything is in my hands on the wrong timing. At times, I feel like you are giving that cold shoulder which I am trying so terribly hard to put in the right mind that you are hectic. This would transpire so effortlessly if it was not for the insecurities that have been clinging onto me.

I do not know where this is going but my very least anticipation would be something so lovely as I do not want to go through that same nightmare again. How I wish I could change this overnight, so that things will go on smoothly for you & I. For now, all I am placing you is in that zone where I have been placing the rest of those ordinary ones. No more someone special till you have made your first move, which I will then make mine just to keep my heart away from those acute thorns.

But if a wave of goodbye would eventuate this friendship to cease, then I have no will to stop you. It never surprises me to see the ones I fancy, walk away leaving footprints in my dull life. I do not hope for such things like this to occur, & all I am struggling is to be out from this negative feeling. And I know that I have to do this alone which will take such a long time for me to be done dwelling in my own pity state.

Nevertheless, giving up is the last thing I would want to do. I need this chance I deserve, & never will I want to slip this opportunity off my hands. I will take my leave, I hope things will go well on your side as I have been praying that you would never fail to bring up that charming smile on your face. Till we meet again, B.M. Or should I say, " Christian Grey ". Would I even have the chance to meet you to begin with? Oh, insecurity.. why will you not disappear.

Melancholic Spirits

With an air of melancholy & the sorrow in the grass, those lost spirits roam around, holding to that unforgettable woe till time has its last tick

As I type, a song so slow, yet so blue which sets these vulnerable tears streaming down my chin, is playing through my earplugs. The train of thoughts went rushing through a part of my hollow mind. I fathom that those souls who have died from suicidal, they really did not die from that. They ceased their life from such great sadness they have been caging.

Paid my condolence to their grieving loved ones, taking each step to accept what they have loss. Often those died from mutual problems, were the ones who hold to such a heavy dejection. Controlling your own sentiments can be so difficult. I have gone through that countless of times. At times, I did manage. But at times, I will lose my balance & I will fall so terribly, which gave me such an impact to break down to tears. Like a lost child, did not know who to approach, seeing that the whole world is vehemently against me for being who I am.

Other cases, like having too many obstacles at one go - You have loss the one so precious to you, at the same time, you are doing your very best to find what you have loss in yourself & wanting to gradually let that dreadful past go. But with one problem newly born, you did not get hold of everything & instead, you let it all drop down on you which gave an unbearable agony. How can you have so much strength just to get through it all? The ones who never fail to be there for you can never utterly understand the state you are in, & they can never replace you just to kill the remaining you can hardly handle. You are all on your own with such strong emotional support given by your exquisite angels, you still feel like it is never enough till this battle is officially done.

It is all about you, never them. If you could ace it through, the sound of birds chirping coming from nowhere will begin, & that will be a reassurance of a winning battle, which is now over.

Oh, I feel so helpless, to watch my beloved brother to be in so much pain. The very least I could do is to be there for him, emotionally & physically which will never be enough. I am willing to pay millions just to see you smile, but even millions will never be enough to see just a slight smile coming from that sweet face of yours.

Nevertheless, I am & will always be here for you. I will be on that front seat just to accompany your sorrow, & watch you let those dying tears go. You have your lover to love & to receive love from him. He is on top of your universe. You have slowly change, never stop even when new problems are starting to develop, it is a part & parcel of life. God will never give you things you can never handle, unless you are the one who let yourself down by merely following your foolish heart.

I strongly believe that a part of you can convey each & every of those pile & throw them away, one by one. Do not mutilate yourself, do not let me down. I can not afford to lose you & remind yourselves not to let your loved ones down, especially me, if you were to end your life without even giving any second thought. You are the only one that teaches my weak heart how to beat. Losing you will cease this heartbeat. I have seen your deepest flaws, I have seen every part of your physique, your distinct cuts before it was left as scars now. You are still the man I know & love whom I defined as, beautiful.

Just remember that God needs him, hence he has to go any sooner or later. He will need us too someday, however that time will come when it is due. I love you so much, & I can never depict this with words for my love I hold so tenderly just for you & only you. I am clasping both of my hands tightly, hoping that He will give you a shed of light to your journey. I am just so afraid.

Hoping that the ones who have lost someone so precious to them, will get back on their feet & move along.

Sheathe

As I gradually sheathe myself, the ambiance started to darken, the eyes can no longer caught sight of the cruel world. Once purely mutated, I will unfurl myself, never going to let the eyes have a glimpse of the past

Walked through the path whilst looking down, holding a heart so downright heavy. The tears can never stop running away from these eyes of mine. An imperceptible mirror slowly loomed. I took a closer look, & with just a blink of an eye, I see myself in nudity. My hands suppressed around this macilent body with such distinct scars. Insecurity now has developed.

Words from various beings noticing my physique echoed through the mind. It took me down utterly. The inner goddess rolled his eyes. He disregards whatever those walking mirrors have shown & gave a subtle smirk, " You do not open your eyes every day to hear such criticism. Keep on living your life & have a spark of hope that there might be a man out there who loves you regardless of your flaws. "

Trying to be reassured whilst pushing the negativity away. Subconscious in me uttered a word, " Mutation ". I held my head up abruptly & set it into deliberation. The inner demon stomped his blood red trident loudly on the hard ground, making himself conspicuous with such a vengeful concept in mind, drawing such a grimace on his face. Been neglecting the dark side ever since life has taught me such valuable lessons.

I will not remodel myself hastily, nevertheless I will make it subtle, inch by inch not to disfigure the mind & personality - let that be maintained. So I hope, from there, strangers will see me in a different light. And hopefully, my confidence level will outshine spontaneously.

Let us just wait & see what the vivid future might bring me.

Vulnerable

And during random nights, this heart will spontaneously open himself where he becomes conquerable to the cold darkness which will leave him, vulnerable

" How I wish we have not met. How I wish I will not have to go through this pain during times when I am left all alone. I have nothing, now. And all I feel is this gloom. Is there a way for me to not love you? Will you teach me how to forget you just like how you have taught me to love? "

The thoughts echoed through my mind as I breathe with the help of this cigarette. I have been trying to quit but every time I almost reached to that finish line, there will always be something that is going to pull me back to the starting point.

Only songs from Evanescence can regain this equilibrium of mine after the emotions have tore down every piece of my heart. Then again, come to think of it. I think it is best to have feelings like this once in a while rather than shedding tears every single night.

I am tired, mentally drain out. I do not know how to react to such things. I guess, I am numb, for now. Men have been giving me headaches after frequently asking me the same nonsensical question, which I did block them eventually. However, the annoyance does not ceased as more & more come barging in.

It seems so ironic when a number of them wanted something more, other than the typical ones who wanted that come & go basis, & here I go, not having the interest. But when I seek for one, you can see from your ambiance that only the crickets are singing. I am still skeptical with men & I hope one will clear those doubts away some day.

For now, I mainly focus on my pathetic career as a civil-servant & the ones I dote. Nevertheless, I am happy to attend to work as my colleagues are all very humane, though they can be quite mischievous at times. I am still not used to the 12-hour shift work - my current roster. Due to that, I have dark circles & distinct eye bags. Oh well, it is not like as if I am attracting any man in the first place.

If only I can get away from everything, for maybe a week just to be back up on my feet again. I miss the sandy beach, the glaring sunset, the crashing waves & the wind. The nature is my remedy to calm myself. To set everything free. I am just too hectic now that I hardly find time for myself.

Every day, is a challenge for me. And for once, I do not want to be strong, just this once.

Dear Angel & Desire

You are like an exquisite angel, keeping me alive & building up hopes on my desire every day. But, one day, you took my desire away & kept me bleeding

Dear Angel,

Do not be perturbed for what my feelings have lead me to. Yes, I cried. My heart aching. My knees trembled down to the ground. But it was never you to be blame for from the very beginning. You have helped me so much which my mind goes blank whenever I want to repay you other than being grateful by merely saying, " Thank You. " I wanted to give you something, not just things. But something to be felt at heart.

And almost every night, I smile before closing my eyes as pictures of my loved ones emerged from my thoughts. So I hope, He will grant me the answer to your happiness. Eventually, He did. I have seen it all. Not much would I want to reveal to you as it will not turn out how it was supposed to be. Bits & pieces have I given you to your vivid future. Now you have yourself a story to tell pertinent to Love. And I bet that it will be one of the sweetest like sugar.

Ignore what they have said. Yes, they can be mad at you for you have the determination to convey on or just walked away from your opportunity. However, you have chosen what you need. Hide away your remorse. I know you were genuine with your tears rising from those sparkling eyes of yours. Look forward to what may bring you. Our bonding will never subside. Let the rest settle down. Let their fiery eyes be blown away spontaneously. It will be over just before you know it.

For now, focus on yourselves & your new relationship. Caress it with all your heart. Do not let it be slipped off from your very hands. Maybe, it was never meant to be mine. Given myself a smirk just by thinking over it.

May this new journey that will take you go on smoothly.


Dear Desire,

You were everything that I have wished for. Apparently, He let me met someone whom I have been yearning for. Someone so beautiful. How your luminous eyes gaze into mine as you gradually smile & it never fails to take me away. Yes, it was my mistake to neglect you just like that back then. I confessed thoroughly that it was solely my fault.

That is the reason why, I wanted you back. To show you that I have changed, completely. I have never experience such feelings toward someone where your vehement presence will be felt on the days I feel so lonely. How your finger lingers around my lip as you breathe heavily.

On the 16th March 2013,

At about 0110 hours, I can never stop smiling as I saw you walking to my direction from afar. Finally, our eyes met. We sat at some bean curd shop & ordered. As we catch up on the things in our lives, I can never stop gazing at you. Your mesmerizing eyes, oh how it made my heart sparks. And the moment you smile, it was like heaven.

Still remember how I told you that I wanted to live with you?
It was a hint of wanting to stay with you forever.

We got off to your dorm via cab. It was my very first time there. And why?
I wanted to repay my promises that I have left for you as you have been wanting me to come over every time.

We got into your room. I giggled as I see it was a little unfastidious here & there. Boys will be boys. Sat with you on your bed. Talk & talk till it is time for the lights to be switched off. As you wrap your arms around me from the back, I felt fully secure. It felt so genuinely warm. I turned to look at you as I miss gazing at those eyes of yours. Slowly, I reached out for your hair & gently stroked it. Oh it felt so soft as before. I miss how my fingers run through your delicate hair.

As I hug you tight, laying my head on your chest, I hear your heart beating. Closed my eyes, & I wanted to ask you something but lost for words. You were eager to know & so I did proceed.

Remember what I asked?
" Can we be together, like how we were back then? You promised you would not leave me. "

You whispered, " Sure. "

We kissed afterward. And I threw my dignity away, just for you to feel sated. As I kissed you passionately, my love for you grew. I touched each & every of your physique. I caressed your soft pink lip, kissed your temple. Every move I made was a sign of appreciating you.

Did you not realized that?

Eventually, we have reached to our climax. You gave me your shirt to wear afterward. We went back to bed, cuddled & eventually slept. Woken up by my alarming phone & the time stated 0500 hours, which was the time for me to leave. As we walked to the main road, I could not let go of your hand. And when we have reached to the side of the main road, my finger was playing around the nape of your neck.

You seemed to be unresponsive, so I presumed it was due to the disruption of sleep given by the alarm. Waved for a cab & one eventually came to a stop.

Hugged you tight before you went off. And so did I give you a kiss?
It was to show you that I am comfortable with you kissing me goodbye as compared to how I shunned to your kisses whenever you tried to kiss me.

So you went off. And the driver does not want to drive me to my destination even before I want to step in. He gave me an apology & drove off. Waited for another cab. It took me almost 30 minutes till another came. So I messaged you at 0541 hours, " Thank you for the great night. Have a good night sleep. Beautiful dreams. " Reached to my destination, & I got off.

Home at last, & before I close my eyes. Remember what I messaged you?
" And thank you for giving me another chance. I will not let this opportunity slip off from my hands. "

Eventually, you gave me that quiet ambiance. My messages were not responded. You kept me waiting & it never fails me to look up & elude the negativity away. 2 months 25 days have I waited for you & on the 11 of March 2013 will be the day I have to cease this. It was pointless of me for all the effort I have done.

From deleting every single social network to rejecting men who wanted to dance with me or even tried to mingle around with me. You were all over my mind. How can you be so hectic to the extend of not replying to my messages, however you could post statuses & reply your friends' comments. I try not to look at it as an excuse. Now, come to think of it, every single thing you have said, all those are just nothing.

You won so many gold awards for your hard work. But you do not have the courage to speak the truth even if it means, killing me. You chose to cover me up in the cold dark. You know that you can never hide anything from me. You know that with my capabilities, your secrets will never be kept safely. Yet, you still chose to go through that path.

I thought you have that mentality of a man, but my thoughts were wrong. You owned a boy's mentality with such low maturity. Looks matter? Sick & tired of looking at me? Why not? I am not beautiful anyway.

I just can never look at you. Your eyes, they were not the eyes that used to gaze at mine with so much dote. Not anymore. I cried every night because of you. I miss your touch, your warmth, your eyes, your smile, everything. But it was never worth crying as my tears were not at all a value to you.

Nevertheless, I can never stop thinking for all the good deeds you have done. I never fail to see the good side of you rather than the dark ones. You are the first, one of a kind, a good soul. I am just disappointed that you do not have that heart to react to what has transpired. 

Please, do me a favor, take good care of him. I want him to smile. I want you to smile. You guys have mutual things. That is a good start. Do not neglect him like how you did to me. You got what you wanted. Show him your love cause I know you are the kind of guy who has difficulties in articulating your feelings toward someone you love, especially when you are going to be away for your career. Do not let him be.

If it was not for me to tell him to add you up, if it was not for the gift that have let me see what I am supposed to see. None of this would happen. I guess, it was a good sign yet a painful one.

And part of me still believes, when you say you are going to stick around.
And part of me still believes, we can find a way to work it out.
But I know that I have tried everything I could try, so let us just say goodbye.
Forever.


P.S.: You are most welcome.

Intricate life

Slowly taking another step to my intricate life while conveying this heavy affliction caused by the people who are greatly against me

Feel the whole world bringing me down. Trying my best to get back up on my feet but the ghostly hands around me are pulling me to the hard ground, yet my subconscious is screaming at me, demanding me to not follow my weakness. I can never tolerate with pressure. A single drop could make my knees shiver. I have been such a weakling these few days. Such drama had transpired with a heavy load of dismay. 

Everything occurred hastily with a blink of an eye. Much anticipation were brought in but it got beyond to that point where I almost lost my breath for a few good seconds. Uncountable tears dripped down my chin through the appalling scenario. My knees felt so weak, I do not know if I could stand any longer on that period of time. 

My mind, heart & soul were all weeping for God, to give them some strength, for this unbearable test he has given. The prayers were granted with some warmth hugs, solacing me, " Everything will be fine. " Tears being wiped away from my cheeks by these 2 lovely souls who never fail to bring me up, Jaselin (someone who regards me as her dear brother) & Dudy (my beloved elder brother). 

They caress me & gave ourselves a long tenderly group hug. I feel so much love from these exquisite angels that God has given me. How I wish I could give them something so wonderful like the vivid sky but a simple prayer for their safety was all I could give. 

I can not delineate how grateful I am to have them in my life. So tomorrow will be the day I have to head back to camp. The day where my nightmare will start to linger again. 

Various questions will be given to me that is for sure as they will remained tentative without hearing my explanation. Though I presumed they somewhat know what had happened from the words of someone intimidating who had slap me with such remarkable assumptions. 

It is up to them to believe from how they judge through both side of the stories but I will just articulate to them from what had transpired. It is rather pointless to stand on my ground when particularly someone is indirectly telling me to agree to whatever they say. I will never stop being tenacious when I feel that whatever they have judge me is not pertinent to the facts of my character. 

I just do not want anyone to have that wrong perception about me, anymore. But if ever that occurs, I will just prove to them that their judgement are mostly at false by being the true definition of myself.