Vulnerable

And during random nights, this heart will spontaneously open himself where he becomes conquerable to the cold darkness which will leave him, vulnerable

" How I wish we have not met. How I wish I will not have to go through this pain during times when I am left all alone. I have nothing, now. And all I feel is this gloom. Is there a way for me to not love you? Will you teach me how to forget you just like how you have taught me to love? "

The thoughts echoed through my mind as I breathe with the help of this cigarette. I have been trying to quit but every time I almost reached to that finish line, there will always be something that is going to pull me back to the starting point.

Only songs from Evanescence can regain this equilibrium of mine after the emotions have tore down every piece of my heart. Then again, come to think of it. I think it is best to have feelings like this once in a while rather than shedding tears every single night.

I am tired, mentally drain out. I do not know how to react to such things. I guess, I am numb, for now. Men have been giving me headaches after frequently asking me the same nonsensical question, which I did block them eventually. However, the annoyance does not ceased as more & more come barging in.

It seems so ironic when a number of them wanted something more, other than the typical ones who wanted that come & go basis, & here I go, not having the interest. But when I seek for one, you can see from your ambiance that only the crickets are singing. I am still skeptical with men & I hope one will clear those doubts away some day.

For now, I mainly focus on my pathetic career as a civil-servant & the ones I dote. Nevertheless, I am happy to attend to work as my colleagues are all very humane, though they can be quite mischievous at times. I am still not used to the 12-hour shift work - my current roster. Due to that, I have dark circles & distinct eye bags. Oh well, it is not like as if I am attracting any man in the first place.

If only I can get away from everything, for maybe a week just to be back up on my feet again. I miss the sandy beach, the glaring sunset, the crashing waves & the wind. The nature is my remedy to calm myself. To set everything free. I am just too hectic now that I hardly find time for myself.

Every day, is a challenge for me. And for once, I do not want to be strong, just this once.