Dear Angel & Desire

You are like an exquisite angel, keeping me alive & building up hopes on my desire every day. But, one day, you took my desire away & kept me bleeding

Dear Angel,

Do not be perturbed for what my feelings have lead me to. Yes, I cried. My heart aching. My knees trembled down to the ground. But it was never you to be blame for from the very beginning. You have helped me so much which my mind goes blank whenever I want to repay you other than being grateful by merely saying, " Thank You. " I wanted to give you something, not just things. But something to be felt at heart.

And almost every night, I smile before closing my eyes as pictures of my loved ones emerged from my thoughts. So I hope, He will grant me the answer to your happiness. Eventually, He did. I have seen it all. Not much would I want to reveal to you as it will not turn out how it was supposed to be. Bits & pieces have I given you to your vivid future. Now you have yourself a story to tell pertinent to Love. And I bet that it will be one of the sweetest like sugar.

Ignore what they have said. Yes, they can be mad at you for you have the determination to convey on or just walked away from your opportunity. However, you have chosen what you need. Hide away your remorse. I know you were genuine with your tears rising from those sparkling eyes of yours. Look forward to what may bring you. Our bonding will never subside. Let the rest settle down. Let their fiery eyes be blown away spontaneously. It will be over just before you know it.

For now, focus on yourselves & your new relationship. Caress it with all your heart. Do not let it be slipped off from your very hands. Maybe, it was never meant to be mine. Given myself a smirk just by thinking over it.

May this new journey that will take you go on smoothly.


Dear Desire,

You were everything that I have wished for. Apparently, He let me met someone whom I have been yearning for. Someone so beautiful. How your luminous eyes gaze into mine as you gradually smile & it never fails to take me away. Yes, it was my mistake to neglect you just like that back then. I confessed thoroughly that it was solely my fault.

That is the reason why, I wanted you back. To show you that I have changed, completely. I have never experience such feelings toward someone where your vehement presence will be felt on the days I feel so lonely. How your finger lingers around my lip as you breathe heavily.

On the 16th March 2013,

At about 0110 hours, I can never stop smiling as I saw you walking to my direction from afar. Finally, our eyes met. We sat at some bean curd shop & ordered. As we catch up on the things in our lives, I can never stop gazing at you. Your mesmerizing eyes, oh how it made my heart sparks. And the moment you smile, it was like heaven.

Still remember how I told you that I wanted to live with you?
It was a hint of wanting to stay with you forever.

We got off to your dorm via cab. It was my very first time there. And why?
I wanted to repay my promises that I have left for you as you have been wanting me to come over every time.

We got into your room. I giggled as I see it was a little unfastidious here & there. Boys will be boys. Sat with you on your bed. Talk & talk till it is time for the lights to be switched off. As you wrap your arms around me from the back, I felt fully secure. It felt so genuinely warm. I turned to look at you as I miss gazing at those eyes of yours. Slowly, I reached out for your hair & gently stroked it. Oh it felt so soft as before. I miss how my fingers run through your delicate hair.

As I hug you tight, laying my head on your chest, I hear your heart beating. Closed my eyes, & I wanted to ask you something but lost for words. You were eager to know & so I did proceed.

Remember what I asked?
" Can we be together, like how we were back then? You promised you would not leave me. "

You whispered, " Sure. "

We kissed afterward. And I threw my dignity away, just for you to feel sated. As I kissed you passionately, my love for you grew. I touched each & every of your physique. I caressed your soft pink lip, kissed your temple. Every move I made was a sign of appreciating you.

Did you not realized that?

Eventually, we have reached to our climax. You gave me your shirt to wear afterward. We went back to bed, cuddled & eventually slept. Woken up by my alarming phone & the time stated 0500 hours, which was the time for me to leave. As we walked to the main road, I could not let go of your hand. And when we have reached to the side of the main road, my finger was playing around the nape of your neck.

You seemed to be unresponsive, so I presumed it was due to the disruption of sleep given by the alarm. Waved for a cab & one eventually came to a stop.

Hugged you tight before you went off. And so did I give you a kiss?
It was to show you that I am comfortable with you kissing me goodbye as compared to how I shunned to your kisses whenever you tried to kiss me.

So you went off. And the driver does not want to drive me to my destination even before I want to step in. He gave me an apology & drove off. Waited for another cab. It took me almost 30 minutes till another came. So I messaged you at 0541 hours, " Thank you for the great night. Have a good night sleep. Beautiful dreams. " Reached to my destination, & I got off.

Home at last, & before I close my eyes. Remember what I messaged you?
" And thank you for giving me another chance. I will not let this opportunity slip off from my hands. "

Eventually, you gave me that quiet ambiance. My messages were not responded. You kept me waiting & it never fails me to look up & elude the negativity away. 2 months 25 days have I waited for you & on the 11 of March 2013 will be the day I have to cease this. It was pointless of me for all the effort I have done.

From deleting every single social network to rejecting men who wanted to dance with me or even tried to mingle around with me. You were all over my mind. How can you be so hectic to the extend of not replying to my messages, however you could post statuses & reply your friends' comments. I try not to look at it as an excuse. Now, come to think of it, every single thing you have said, all those are just nothing.

You won so many gold awards for your hard work. But you do not have the courage to speak the truth even if it means, killing me. You chose to cover me up in the cold dark. You know that you can never hide anything from me. You know that with my capabilities, your secrets will never be kept safely. Yet, you still chose to go through that path.

I thought you have that mentality of a man, but my thoughts were wrong. You owned a boy's mentality with such low maturity. Looks matter? Sick & tired of looking at me? Why not? I am not beautiful anyway.

I just can never look at you. Your eyes, they were not the eyes that used to gaze at mine with so much dote. Not anymore. I cried every night because of you. I miss your touch, your warmth, your eyes, your smile, everything. But it was never worth crying as my tears were not at all a value to you.

Nevertheless, I can never stop thinking for all the good deeds you have done. I never fail to see the good side of you rather than the dark ones. You are the first, one of a kind, a good soul. I am just disappointed that you do not have that heart to react to what has transpired. 

Please, do me a favor, take good care of him. I want him to smile. I want you to smile. You guys have mutual things. That is a good start. Do not neglect him like how you did to me. You got what you wanted. Show him your love cause I know you are the kind of guy who has difficulties in articulating your feelings toward someone you love, especially when you are going to be away for your career. Do not let him be.

If it was not for me to tell him to add you up, if it was not for the gift that have let me see what I am supposed to see. None of this would happen. I guess, it was a good sign yet a painful one.

And part of me still believes, when you say you are going to stick around.
And part of me still believes, we can find a way to work it out.
But I know that I have tried everything I could try, so let us just say goodbye.
Forever.


P.S.: You are most welcome.